This morning I woke up feeling like the shittiest person who’s ever lived. It doesn’t of course take a lot of reflection to realize that that simply can’t be true: I haven’t started wars, I haven’t tortured anyone, locked someone away, starved someone, nor have I ever consciously abused anyone, physically or psychologically.
So, that cleared, I wish the feeling of being shitty would have been cleared, too, but unfortunately, my primitive brain isn’t that easily convinced. My inner guidance, much wiser, but unfortunately also much more timid, is telling me that my primitive brain has made the false association between FEELING shitty and BEING shitty. So, when I woke up hurting (shoulders) and also sad and exhausted after a night of poor quality sleep, craving chocolate first thing, feeling like a generally bad person and especially bad parent, not knowing how to be able to meet the day, and above all FEELING BAD FOR EXPERIENCING AND FEELING ALL THESE THINGS, my primitive brain and it’s league of inner critics were loudly and unmistakeably telling me how bad a person I am.
At bre
akfast, tears running down my face, I am quietly asking my husband for forgiveness. Over and over again. Please forgive me for not being a better person. For not holding up better. Please forgive me and please don’t leave me.
Inner guidance is simultaneously whispering: There’s nothing to forgive. There is nothing to forgive! We are all doing the best we can and it’s okay.
It’s just not what it feels like.
And while there truly is a part of me that wants to evolve, wondering why it just isn’t happening, I guess I have to come to terms with that I am still not really feeling safe and / or emancipated enough to let go of chocolate as comfort, and asking friends for confirmation and encouragement. Sometimes, I’m even begging for it. A kind part of myself is telling me that that’s okay and that being where I am is not making me worthless, nor does it invalidate the growth, learnings, and insights that I have already acquired. Nor does it make my love and compassion smaller.
Okay, admittedly, I’m still not really buying it, not on a day such as today. Hopefully though, one day I can wake up in a state like this and have compassion for myself, for the pain and the bad sleep, realizing that chocolate craving in the morning can be due to low blood sugar, that it mustn’t necessarily mean that I’m a hopeless addict, and meet myself with compassion and curiously ask myself how I can best take care of myself, in order to feel better.
If I already know (at least partly) how to handle things better, why oh why, is it so difficult to just do it?
As my coach and friend Rick Wilkes* pointed out to me, there’s a chasm between inner guidance and how we feel in our body-mind. How we feel does not equal who we are. And there isn’t anything to forgive. Shame is never guidance. Shame is an “alert” — to the chasm.
Oh, how I’d love to be part of evolving and crossing that chasm and raising the awareness about it, rather than just wishing to have crossed it…
(Rick Wilkes from Thrivingnow.com has been a fabulous mentor and coach during rough times and is generously sharing his wisdom, but above all, teaching people to find their own inner wisdom. If that sounds appealing to you, I encourage you to check out Thrivingnow.com )
Eclectic Tree 
BEAUTIFULLY written. I think we’ve ALL been there, and you capture the agony and dis-ease of it so very well. If you get tired of linguistics, please become a writer!
You made my day, Dave! And it’s not the first time… 😉
Simone, you are an inspiration! I love how you allow yourself to be so vulnerable. After not getting enough sleep it is hard not to face the day feeling shitty. I’ve felt that way too. And many people drink cocoa or eat chocolate pancakes or donuts for breakfast. Thank you for being your REAL, VULNERABLE self and writing about it. Love, Jean
Simone, I love how you poured your heart out with this. I just wanted to hug you and say welcome to the feeling shitty club. You are an inspiration to all of us who feel shitty now and then and lots of times more often than we want.
Not getting enough sleep and being so tired in the morning always makes me feel shitty. Ugh. Like you, I’m not a morning person. So hell why not eat your chocolate and ask for help from friends. That’s what we’re here for. Many people have cocoa for breakfast and there are chocolate waffles and pancakes.
I love you ♥♥♥♥♥♥
Thanks for the comfort and appreciation, Jean! You’re filling my “tank” ❤
I love your post. I face the same problem and I always have to remind me that there is no need to be perfect. That it is ok to enjoy a piece of chocolate and other unhealthy foods. It is even ok to crave them at times. And I am learning to trust myself, that just because I like to have a praline doesn’t mean I will eat all the pralines there are in this world. I have very little trust in my body and that it knows what it needs. I always accuse and suspect it of being unreasonable and out of control which of course doesn’t help at all.
Thank you, Corinna! I appreciate that we seem to be on the same journey regarding perfectionism, body guidance and food! I agree with what you’re saying and for me, focusing on trusting my body and accepting myself and my cravings / wants / pleasures has become more important to me than changing my behaviors. Because, I somehow believe that beating myself up might be way more hurtful than eating another praline! And sometimes I forget… Thank you for reminding me!
I don’t even want to think about my self bashing. If I am good at something than it is berating myself. I think you are right, it is painful and exhausting and upsetting to be so harsh on myself. Often I don’t even have much reason other than eating one praline.
Oh, I am so sorry, that sounds really hard. And I know what you mean… I think these kinds of conversations are so important, because when we share, we put things into perspective AND we also get the opportunity to support and encourage each other. I am holding good thoughts that you can enjoy your next praline!
Oh Simone….I feel for you. You wrote: “And while there truly is a part of me that wants to evolve, wondering why it just isn’t happening, I guess I have to come to terms with that I am still not really feeling safe and / or emancipated enough to let go of chocolate as comfort, and asking friends for confirmation and encouragement. Sometimes, I’m even begging for it. A kind part of myself is telling me that that’s okay and that being where I am is not making me worthless, nor does it invalidate the growth, learnings, and insights that I have already acquired. Nor does it make my love and compassion smaller.”
What you wrote there touched me so much because I am in a similar situation. You haven’t heard anything from me in the group or on FB. I just can’t. But my situation is my impatience in that I, too, want to evolve from after my surgery…after all I AM pain free. But the illness that came immediately afterwards in mid-November and 3 hospitalizations in 6 weeks and all the anesthesia during that time. I just am not myself emotionally or mentally yet. I have yet to process that I did almost die right before Christmas. In fact I have to take several days off from work this week to do the processing as I went back to work too soon. Going to work each day for 2 weeks in January while having to go to the hospital for outpatient intravenous antibiotic therapy when I should have been resting instead. So, if I look at what I just wrote and saw that it was written by someone other than me, I would have the compassion for them but because it is me, I “think” I should have gotten over it by now.
Anyhow, sending you love and fellow feeling for your struggles. Hugs to you Simone.
Dear Pam,
thank you for sharing! I know what you mean about the processing. I’m asking myself every day, how come that I haven’t come further… It’s almost two years since my husband had his stroke, and I still need to take time off some weeks, just for processing. I’m so sorry, for everything you went through. It’s a big deal and it’s okay to feel it as a big deal. Be kind to yourself. Let’s try that together. I’m so happy to hear from you, but I also totally understand about hibernating… Love and hugs!
Thank you for your kind words Simone. Why do we always encourage everyone else that it is a process to go through, but we are so hard on ourselves? It is a big deal what you are going through due to your lovely husband’s illness. You are so strong Simone, and it is OK to take time off for processing. You and your family have come a long way since when your dear one had his stroke and I am thankful you are all healing. But yes, be kind to yourself! I have taken 3 days off from work, today is the first day and I am going to get a chiropractic treatment and then go to a Spiritual church called Angel Ministries to get a spiritual treatment. Love and hugs back to you, Simone. Hoping for a happy day for you & your family.
Thank you for your kind words, Pam! I hope you had a wonderful and healing day! I wish you lovely days off and a happy, self compassionate Easter!