Sometimes, I feel like a duck, calm on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath. It’s only when I notice that I’m actually not moving forward, that I realize that the paddling is not happening under the surface at all, but only going on like crazy in my head.
Looking back on the (almost) past two months of not writing and posting anything, I realize that I have been totally caught up in the Christmas frenzy. And I suppose that means that BOTH brain and feet have been paddling like crazy, doing everything to live up to my own and others’ expectations… It’s not as bad as it sounds, since to a large part, I enjoyed it. It just didn’t leave room for much else. There hasn’t even been mental space for social media, or reading books. Moments of stillness and regeneration were found between times in the yoga studio and, at night, on the couch with my husband.
The past two weeks we’ve been enjoying a big family Holiday with up to nine people sharing the space of our apartment for days and weeks. We had a good time. Without drama! I’m quite impressed myself!
Since all that happens in life is a result of cause and effect, I’m not really someone feeling that every New Year provides a fresh new start. While every MONDAY, haha, IS a new start!
Well, what I mean is, I certainly do believe in new kickoffs and the freedom to re-start ANYTHING, is one I sometimes need many times a day. It’s just that, however fresh the approach or energy of the new beginning is, we’re still starting from where we are. From the middle of the beautiful, colorful, messy, happy, sad, not as planned picture that constitutes our lives – and not from a blank canvas. And since that picture is often multidimensional and pretty complex, starting / continuing from where we are, might not always feel as easy and straight forward as we’d wish it to be.
It feels like a long time, since I decided not to set any New Year’s resolutions, only to be disappointed about not keeping them, or not reaching the goals I’d set. I realize now, that many of those goals and resolutions weren’t really my own, but rather cultural expectations. Notions that I believed in, certainly, but weren’t truly anchored in my core and in alignment with who I am.
I feel optimistic about 2015.
2013 was mostly spent in shock, grief, and fear, after my husband’s stroke. It took most of 2014 to find new ground under our feet, and to regain balance, even on the rocky spots (well, not always succeeding…). Now, in 2015, I feel that we’re ready to start moving forward again. With lighter steps. Filling my and our canvas with happier colors again.
While I haven’t set any New Year’s resolutions, I do have intentions for 2015. The picture shows a word cloud with my main areas of focus for the coming year. Most of all, I hope to be more like a duck: clear my head and reach for the sky, let my feet do the footwork (not my head) so that I can actually move forward, breathe, be calm, and enjoy the journey!
Happy New Year!